Bill Dawes - August 14, 2007

I have to admit, when that crack-whore-mouthed, anorexic black-jazz-singer-wannabe named Amy Winehouse first came on the scene, I was one of those people who was like, "Okay, kind of an interesting voice. 'Rehab' is sort of catchy. I guess I sort of get it." Then I heard a bijillion people saying how cool she was for writing a song that essentially bragged about her adamant refusal to go to rehab, despite her excessive drinking and drug use. Okay, sure. I thought it was not the best message in the world and a little smug, but if that floated her boat, fine. I let it go and got back to focusing on more important things...like me.

Then recently, I saw her on some awards show and she looked fucked up and tweaked. If you don't know who I am talking about, she's the chick who looks like Mayim Bialik and Minnie Driver fucked, had a baby girl, sent her to the Pink School of Female Rock Stars, and then let her watch Dreamgirls one too many times.

X =

She was doing that Paris Hilton thing where she only shows one look and one angle to the camera (that same goddamned profile), so she could hide her undesirable features. Winehouse was trying to hide the large gaping hole in her smile where a bicuspid should be. She could barely walk and seemed out of her mind during her set. Alright, I thought, she does crack or serious cocaine, and lost a tooth as a result. She truly is a tweaked chick.

I didn't mind. I like fucked up people. Particularly fucked up people who claim their fucked-up-ness. And if they are completely self-aware and in control of their fuckedupness, then I kind of dig it. I dig that Keith Richards is a productive junkie who gets blood transfusions to clear out his system every six months. I can respect that. He doesn't really brag about it. It's just his life and he's managed to rock out with his cock out for over 30 years.

Amy Winehouse, however, has made millions and millions of dollars and garnered huge international fame capitalizing on her alleged self-awareness about her drug and alcohol use, simultaneously mocking social institutions designed to help people out who DON'T have the same super cool self-awareness and control that she has. "Hahahaha, they wanted to send me to rehab, and I'm like 'nigga please!'" That's the motto that made her a million bucks in a month and galvanized a drunken army of MySpace whores to slur the song at college bars before going home with a random guy and contracting pre-cancerous HPV.

Know what? Fine. I don't care if people think that's kind of hip. Even people I know in AA dig that stance. She's just so much more self-possessed and cooler and ABOVE all of those poor people who have to struggle with their substance abuse. "You can go to rehab, nerds, but I'm all no, no, no!"

Then the stupid bitch ODs.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..........

Poor wittle Amy Whinehouse ODs and gets hospitalized. She gets her stomach pumped and has to cancel her concert with, not without irony, The Rolling Stones.

THEN, she and her "team"--that has been paid for and assembled SOLELY thanks to the popularity of that arrogant anti-rehab anthem called "Rehab"--go on a huge, confused publicity blitz.

In her public statements, she describes how scawy it was for her. Then she....You know what, I'll let the silly twat do the talking:

"I don't know how to explain what happened. I don't really know myself. I can't remember what I looked like. I couldn't recognize myself."

What the fuck are you talking about!?! What!?

Okay, sounds like a heroin overdose, right?

Then, her "team" issues a statement that she was hospitalized due to "severe exhaustion."

Really, team, "severe exhaustion?"

Dumb housewives bought that pr-bs in the 70s when no one really realized what the fuck was going on with drugs yet. But in 2007, when that self-proclaimed, self-promoting crackwhore has to be hospitalized, get a shot of adrenaline, cancel a show, and get her stomach pumped, all the overpaid PR team at this think tank could come up with when they ransacked the collective archives of their feeble, trite minds was "severe exhaustion!?" SLAM DUNK! You know, sometimes I get so tired I also want to inject brown shit between my toes, but you know what I do: I take a nappy poo! Yeah, a little sleepy time does the trick! I don't mean this in a bad way, but I hope they all die slow, painful deaths from cancer of the asshole.

But enough about the pimps. Back to the whore.

Amy Whiney Ho keeps blabbing to the reporter like a retard in the middle of a watermelon Jolly Rancher overdose!

She blubbered:

"It was terrifying. I was terrified. I was so out of control. It just happened. It shocked me. I'm sorry--I just don't know what got into me. I never want to feel that way again. I've scared myself this time. I was all over the place. I know things have got to change. I need to sort myself out."

WHOOOOOOOOOOOA! Here it comes. An apology, right? She is gonna to say, "You know, I put out a shitty message to young people and was really immature and arrogant writing a song about how stupid rehab is. In truth, I'M the one who is stupid. I realize now that there are thousands and thousands of trained, qualified, and caring people who have dedicated their lives to social institutions that deal with the rehabilitation of alcohol and drug abusers, and I have been disrespecting them and their lives' work with that Billie Holiday rip-off song of mine. I am entering a program now and will hopefully be back co-opting black jazz singers for the next 30 years of my drug-free life!!"

Nope. She didn't say that.

She said this:

"When I get self-destructive I just need to spend time with my dad. Rehab is a cop-out."

Oooooh, you're such a cool heroin junkie!

Well...I think using drugs to deal with your LIFE is the fucking cop-out, you stupid gaping flesh wound.

And I also think your dad raised a narcissistic, self-destructive, drug-addicted CUNT, so maybe HE isn't the person you need to be going to. I'm thinking daddy did enough damage already. Maybe you should seek out people who have spent their lives trying to figure out how to help others with this very same problem.

I live on the same block as The Fountain House in Manhattan. It is literally the first social institution ever built in America. Currently, it's a very successful rehab center for addicts and a halfway house for people with other mental and psychological problems. I walk down the street every day amidst a menagerie of shaky, twitchy freaks. I'm friends with some of them, sort of (well, sometimes we chat about candy and chocolate milk), and I talk to the social workers sometimes as well. Those are some hardcore, dedicated motherfuckers. I couldn't do that shit. It's hard enough when I inadvertently smell some of their patients. Those social workers are better people than me, that's for sure.

I don't know why I mention that, other than the fact that it's nice to know that Amy Whinewhore could just disrespect everything they do with a dismissive, "Rehab is a cop-out."

No, Amy Winehouse, YOU are copping out.

Like I said, I don't care what you do in your life. But people who make all their money bragging about a horrible lifestyle and then don't have the constitution to deal with it DESERVE WHAT THEY GET! ALL OF THEM! And yes, that means you too, Bill Hicks. It was great when you were wearing all black, smoking cigarettes onstage, and complaining that all non-smokers were whiny pussies. Well Bill, you were a funny motherfucker, so I hope you at least were still able to laugh ironically at yourself when you got cancer.

Too much? I don't know.

All I know is that whatever the hell this phenomenon is called, it pisses me off. It's not hypocrisy exactly, it's the opposite side of that same coin, I think. Either way, it's stuff like this that really makes me believe in God, and helps me realize that He truly has a great sense of humor.

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What's your take on Amy Winehouse and this phenomenon? Tell me about it--hit POST REPLY in the "Amy Winehouse" thread of the Rudius Media message board

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Posted by Bill Dawes at 10:40 AM