Being an employee of the Laugh Factory in LA and NY and a client of Laugh Factory management, I think I have to put my two cents in about the latest debate over Michael Richards.
The first thing I think I need to do is answer the question everyone has been asking me: SO, is it true what everyone is saying about Michael Richards?
Is he rrrrrreally ....
a Freemason?
Apparently, he is a 33rd degree Master Mason, which is like the Bruce Lee/ Dungeonmaster of freemasonry.
What does this mean? It could be one of the following options:
1. The Freemasons are racists. Most of the original Freemasons were slave owners. True, there are black Freemasons now, but they have their own separate group and neither the white Masons nor the black Masons want anything to do with the other. They are anti-Mason mixing. Let's be honest, though. The black Freemasons are like arena league football. Sure, it's football, I guess. But it's no NFL.
I would do a project on this if I had colored construction paper and non-toxic Elmer's glue, but I don't ... so I'll rant instead. According to my 7th grade history book, when coming up with a name for their faggoty-ass club, it was between the Freemasons and the Dontfreeblacksons.
2. The Freemasons are idiots. Although movies like "The DaVinci Code" would like us to believe that there is a cabal of rich, white men puppeteering the nation and dictating everything that happens from some secret illuminati headquarters that ISN'T the White House (hmmm.... "white" house...), my gut feeling is that the Freemasons have small dicks and like to pee on each other in 18th-century copper bathtubs. I will guarantee that initiation into Freemasonry involves cock and balls in or around a male mouth.
3. The Freemasons are powerless and desperate for money. Possibly, these illuminati needed the back end from the "Seinfeld" DVDs. Why else would they let this cracked-out nigoraphobic into their clandestine lair? How low has the world of evil sects sunk when Kosmo Kramer is the highest ranking, highest profile member of their secret society?
4. The Freemasons are enlightened individuals who used Michael Richards' public persona to illuminate (hence "illuminati") the racism inherent and prevalent in American society today by instigating a worldwide debate on the essence of xenophobia and, more specifically, the words "nigger", "nigger", and "nigger." They are simply breaking a bone in order that it may heal better. 20 years from now, many of you Caucasians will be stroking a hot, chocolate-skinned zulu African woman, and silently thinking, "Gee... thanks Michael Richards! If it weren't for you --- uhhhh, I'm gonna cum!"
In all seriousness, there is no debate about this.
He shouldn't be playing at clubs. He should be spending his golden years in his retarded little club teabagging newbies in the grand tradition of white Freemason supremacy. He's a crappy comic, anyway, and only ever gets onstage by cashing in on his celebrity.
I've done shows with the guy. His manager asked me to put him on my College Night show at the Laugh Factory. He was nice to me when I met him with his 16 year-old girlfriend, and I'm sure he's a decent guy, but he needs to get OFF, not ON, the fucking horse, declare a moratorium on his bizarre stand-up career, get an act that produces LAUGHTER from audiences, and come back when he's ready. Which is never.
THE ONLY THING I will say in Mr. Richards defense is that at least he didn't pull the typical Republicunt bullshit and claim that it was "the booze."
"Yes, my dear parish, I've been taking cock up the ass for the past fifteen years because of the evil side effects of Apple-tinis!"
Or worse still, that fucking asshole Parson who said he was gay, but then said he wasn't rrrrreally gay. The ol' Clinton defense:
"My dear congregation, I'm not gay. I put it in my mouth... but I didn't suck it!"
What the fuck is he talking about?
It's true: Michael Richards has acted consistently counting-marbles-in-the-corner CRAZY during his defense, but at least he didn't blame the booze.
By the way, if this blog offended anyone, let it be known that I'm drunk on Red Bull and Vodka right now on the rostrum of a Rotary Club luncheon. I'll make amends when I have a movie to plug.
And furthermore, if you are one of those assholes DEFENDING Michael Richards right now, I can guarantee you are NOT a comic. If you're a comic, you're a shitty comic. If you're not a shitty comic, you have a small cock. If you're a great comic with a huge cock defending Michael Richards, you must be black -- which means you're only saying it to get the chubby white girls who hate their fathers.
p.s. If a Freemason reads this, I double dog dare you to kill me. You bitch!
Posted by Bill Dawes at 10:06 AM