Bill Dawes - October 6, 2006

I had a "recurring" on One Life to Live. For those who don't know what a recurring role is - it's a character on a TV series played by someone who does the show sometimes, but isn't really good looking enough to do the show all the time. I know I'm a good-looking man (my mom told me so), but apparently producers and casting agents think there's only so much "me" an audience can look at week to week. It's actually kind of a great gig for an actor. Sure there's less fame and money, but it frees up time for cool things like picking your nose, jerking off, and watching Batman reruns.

Technically, I'm still a recurring character on the show; they just don't know what the fuck to do with me.

Why?

Because I play a homosexual.

FOR THE RECORD: I'm not gay. ABC made me an offer, it was a JOB, so I took it. I don't mean I fucking "took it!"-I wasn't Robert DeNiro method acting the role. I mean I needed the money, so... shit, that doesn't sound right either.

I was supposed to be the first gay marriage EVER on daytime TV! It was going to be a big to-do! The whole Buchanan clan was going to be there. Vicki and Dorian were going to put their personal animosities aside in order to celebrate the joyous occasion. The wrap party after the historic show was going to be a fantastic,homorific reception with cock cakes, a Village People cover band, and Republican congressmen.

But it never happened, and, ironically (or not), "Republicunts" are the reason.

See, when gay marriage first became a hot button issue, the people at One Life to Live decided to make their statement and support gay rights. Then that Bush mothercunthole(tm) got re-elected and ABC started receiving hate mail in droves from red-staters protesting the upcoming gay nuptials.

I myself got hate mail. I got letters sent to my PERSONAL HOME ADDRESS every week saying shit like, "Young man, You are going to burn in the fires of eternal damnation unless you change your goddamn LIFESTYLE!"

Eventually, I was like, "Fuck this! I'm writing back!":

"Dear Dad,

"For the last time I'm not gay! It's just my haircut!... Why don't you love me?"

...okay, so Dave Dawes never wrote me. He's very much a red-stater, though, and he is VERY much uncomfortable with anything involving ass bandits; so I'm sure he THOUGHT about writing. And I did, in fact, get a number of letters from folks who, shall we say, jumped off the high dive into the shallow end of the gene pool.

Within a matter of days, One Life to Live had left me at the altar, so to speak, and my lucrative daytime, colon-spelunking career was over. The storyline got killed, my character stopped coming back, I can only afford to jerk off to scrambled Spice Channel now, and it's all the Republicunts' fault.

(By the way, isn't "republicunts" a great word amalgamation? You make it by taking a truly terrible word and adding "cunt" to it)

You'll have to excuse my attack on the Republican party in this case. That One Life to Live gig was the only job I've had in the past 3 years that offered full dental. Plus, I'm still steaming over my ex-girlfriend getting unceremoniously yanked from the red carpet at the 10th Anniversary Party for Fox News because she wore my favorite t-shirt of all time.

What's in a shirt?

Like any actor, I got back on the horse.

About a month later, I got cast in a movie called "How to Seduce Difficult Women," about a group of men taking a class to learn how to pick up snobby New York ladies. Thirty minutes into the film my character gets frustrated and, that's right, starts "GAYING IT UP"!

What the fuck?! I had to ask myself, "Self, why do you keep getting cast as gay characters?!"

You all are probably looking at the picture above thinking: Well, one reason for that might be because you look, oh, I don't know...GAY!

Shit, I guess it's true. If I didn't know me, I might think I was a rump wrangler too.

I'm torn about random people thinking I'm gay, though. On the one hand, when straight people think I'm gay, I get kind of annoyed. I like Sportscenter and pussy just as much as the next guy. On the other hand, when GAY people think I'm gay, I'm like, "Damn...I must look good!"

Sometimes when a handsome gay fella stares at me for long enough...it'll even turn me gay for a little bit. Not permanently, but for a couple puckers of my butthole I'll feel "FAAAAABULOUSSSS!" I start jonesing for a whistle and disco ball, and before you know it, I'm designing window treatments in my head.

When gay men think I'm straight, however, I automatically get self-conscious. Am I getting fat? Am I not stylish? Is it the PLEATS? It's not that I want them to be attracted to me or anything, but when the guys at the massage parlor don't even offer to finish you off after a Shiatsu, it makes you feel like you've lost "it.".

That's the Catch-22, or what I like to call the Pants Pirate Paradox: how do you take care of yourself and look good for women, without doing things that might make you look like (and perhaps turn you into) a turd burglar?

Let's face it -- everything a man does to LOOK better is pretty much gay.

1. Expensive haircut (over $50) -- kind of gay.
2. Going to the gym -- getting to be gayer and gayer.
3. Going to the spa and tanning -- pretty goddamned gay there, buddy.
4. Manicure/ Pedicure -- Tom Cruise gay.
5. Getting eyebrows waxed -- extra gay with a side of cock.
6. Getting chest waxed -- extra gay with a side of black cock and gay gravy on top.
7. Shopping at Banana Republic - you are doing "the walrus"* on Kevin Spacey and Lance Bass while you read this sentence.

Shopping at Banana Republic might be the epitome of the Pants Pirate Paradox. Their clothes is shnazzy, they're just expensive enough to make you feel exclusive like you actually have a positive net worth, and the people there are just so damn nice, that it almost makes you WISH you were gay!

Ask a STRAIGHT guy for a pair of pants at L.L. Bean and he'll just stare at you with attitude, and say, "If it's not on the shelf, we don't have it."

You ask a GAY guy at "BR" and he starts running around the store like Lamar doing the javelin throw in Revenge of the Nerds: "Oh my God! I think we might have JUST run out! What size are you? We have a similar pant in a slate gray and another chino version but that's pleated, and I'm sure you only do flat front, so let me run into the storeroom and check and see, and if WE don't have it, I'll call over to our nearest location too see if they have it and, if not, I'll personally fly over one of our Bangladeshi sweat shop children to stitch a pair while you wait, and since you've been so patient here's a Caramel Frappucino, and a coupon for 20 percent off your next cock, I mean purchase! I'll be right back!!!"

Plus, gay guys always look happy (hence the origin of the "gay" moniker); they always dress well; and they always, and inexplicably, have tons of money -- even though they only work in retail or Human Resources!

There has never been a poor pole smoker ever. It's true. Don't believe me? When's the last time you saw a gay HOMELESS person? Answer: never. You've never been walking down the street and seen a guy holding a perfectly spelled sign that says "Will Work the Catwalk for Food," or jiggling a cup and shouting, "Spare Cha-heyyyyyyyyyyyy-ange!"

To make matters worse, almost everything a man does to PLEASE a woman is called "gay" by other men:

1. Snuggling, cuddling, spooning; or any derivation thereof.
2. Watching TLC programming or any show that has the word "makeover" in the title.
3. Shopping ANYWHERE.
4. Listening.

If you tell a guy you can't hang out with him because you're hanging out with your girlfriend instead, he'll show his support with declarations like: "Dude, you are so gay!"

He might add: "I'm not doing that gay shit! I'm playing poker and drinking beer with the boys! Then we're going to waterfall shots through Brian's butt cheeks; and then after that we're going to have competitive ass-sex with each other in a manly, powerful, non-gay, Greco-Roman way! Maybe if you decide not to hang out with your girrrrrrrrrrlfriend, you can come over for a late-night game of "ookie cookie!"** Or are you just too much of a faggot pussy for that!???"

At this point, there's not much left for straight people. We've got fantasy football and murder; I think those are mostly our gig still. It makes being gay almost appealing until you consider the soft, pink flip-side of meathead masculinity: I'm talking about the women.

The truth is, fellas, when you're out being "one of the guys" and doing some of that "male bonding," someone might just be fucking the shit out of your girlfriend.

And that someone might just look a little...gay.

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* Look it up

**I can't believe wikipedia doesn't have "ookie cookie." Okay, stick with google for that one, neophytes.

Posted by Bill Dawes at 5:00 PM