Fucking UP - March 9, 2007
What the fuck is up with Los Angeles?
I met with a writer recently who tried to convince me that starting a feud with someone was the best way to promote myself and stay in the public eye. I laughed. As the poster child for Alanon behavioral patterns, I live in a chronic and obsessive state of Willy-Lomanesque anxiety about "being liked" -- I get Irritable Bowel Syndrome when the cashier at Taco Bell doesn't smile at me (and, obviously, when I eat the food as well). Imagine the degree of agita that would accrue inside me if I started a beef and the other guy fired back with both guns blazing!! It wouldn't be 30 seconds before my heart began palpitating, my ass started stress-farting, and I started popping xanax like tic-tacs.
He laughed with salacious glee and rattled off a whole list of names, from Nas and Jaz-Z to Paris and Nicole. "You should definitely pick a fight with someone, but if you're going to do it, according to "The 48 Laws of Power," you should do it with someone bigger than you. Feuds are good and beneficial for everyone. That's why almost every feud you hear about in Hollywood is a set up."
I liked this guy and I wanted to listen closely to everything he said, but I was having a hard time internalizing his message. Not because it was hard to understand, but because he had the horrible habit of burping into his mouth while eating his pizza, capturing the burp molecules inside his puffed cheeks for a second of cooking time, and then releasing the belch-stream out through pursed lips. These bilious molecules, as luck would have it, would then travel in a bee-line directly to my face. It was hard to concentrate, bobbing and weaving like a welterweight.
It sent me into a bit of a paranoid tailspin about all the press coming out of Los Angeles. Was it all just sleight of hand dealing to the Dorito-eaters of middle America? Is every scandal that gets attention in Los Angeles intentional and crafted? With the "Content is King" paradigm created by the internet (Youtube, Myspace) and seized upon by the over-saturated mainstream media, how much of the inordinate amount of "bad press" coming out of Tinseltown is simply a conspiratorial machination of paparazzi, publicist, and desperate performer?
I mean, think about the sheer amount of scandal and tabloid nonsense from this past year:
Lindsay Lohan and her rehab, Michael Richards and his forked-nigger, Paris Hilton and her herpied abortions, Mel Gibson and his jew rants, Anna Nicole Smith and her drug-addled dirtnap, Isaiah Washington and his faggot screed, Dustin Diamond and his slapstick threesome, and, of course, Britney Spears and her fully-shaven, childless rehab.
In any place other than Hollywood, their actions would have been considered fireable offenses. In the Middle East, they would have been murdered (I know Anna Nicole Smith was already murdered, but she would have been murdered earlier and with a little more panache is my point). Instead, we continue to read their names and see their faces on a daily basis as they undoubtedly prime themselves for a comeback...except, of course, Anna Nicole. She's not coming back even if it feels like she just won't go away. Unless she's Jesus. Who, ironically, the press appears intent on posthumously portraying her as. They seem to forget that they'd just spent 15 years calling her a whore.
So, in a town whose local currency is "buzz," did Britney intentionally and repeatedly flash her tore-up taco for the flash of the photogs? Granted, it wasn't pretty -- it looked like two squirrels fighting -- but is it possible she shaved both of her heads for the sole purpose of getting another week of magazine covers? If she did, it certainly worked.
Think about it: sales of Seinfeld DVDs spiked HUGE after Michael Richards' Laugh Factory fiasco. Seinfeld's last episode was over nine years ago. There is an entire generation of young people who hadn't been thinking at all about him or even knew his actual name. Now he's a ubiquitous presence. I even hear NASCAR and Triscuit are thinking about sponsoring his comedy tour. Next, he's probably going to do what Hugh Grant did after a cop's flashlight revealed a transvestite heffalump hooker sucking him off on Sunset - do a couple of dark, serious roles to correspondingly expose what a deep, tortured soul he is. Like Grant, Richards will simultaneously garner street cred and systematically win back the trust and/or empathy of the public. Mark my words, in five years, Richards will have completed his "penance" and will be back in primetime shaking his Jewfro and falling over couches.
Speaking of Jews, it's no stretch of the imagination to think that Mel Gibson could have purposefully manufactured the "sugar tits" scenario to raise awareness of that stupid film he made about naked pygmies running through the jungle. Sure, "Apocalypto" only did so-so, but imagine how poorly it might have done had Jewtenant Riggs not launched into a misogynistic, anti-Semitic meltdown in the middle of Malibu. No one wants to spend 3 hours watching tropical midgets speak in tongues and scream in the forest unless it's going to devolve into good old-fashioned midget porn. Hell, I saw the movie just to see if I could DaVinci Code some hidden Jew-hatey agenda in the story. And, honestly, I think I might have found something: the entire film was shot in beautiful, untampered rainforests and Jews DO love real estate. Hmmm....
Unfortunately, I think my little "scandal" could hurt ME; primarily because I'm a "nobody." (I like to refer to myself more as a "mystery" -- it's much sexier). See, In Hollywood it seems the more FAMOUS you are graphs inversely proportional to how FUCKED you are when you cause trouble (see graph below).
THE FAME vs. FUCKED CURVE
Notice that if you extend the asymptotes of the graph (it's a logarithmic graph, haters -- who said the Princeton University engineering degree was a waste?), you will see that if I scuff Paris Hilton's shoe, I never work again. If Brad Pitt takes a dump on her chest, he wins an Oscar. Put simply, the more famous you are, the more likely you are to fuck UP. Fans delight in the FUCK up, the press escalates and, as a result, the celebs fuck UP. The most infuriating part is that the slope on the short side of the graph is ridiculously severe; you don't even need to be THAT famous anymore to get away with murder.
Just look at some of the people on the OTHER side of the scandalous talent pool: Nicole Ritchie, Colin Farrell, Screech, and Anna Nicole Smith. Have they done anything to deserve survival of their respective scandals? Have they even done anything to deserve their fame that isn't complete crap? If you say "What about 'Alexander?'" then you are a "faggot." Well, at least according to Isaiah Washington.
What, you're offended?
What's wrong with calling someone a faggot? Repeatedly? And at awards ceremonies? In Hollywood terms, Isaiah Washington calling T.R. Knight a faggot can only be considered a good thing, right? Did you know either of their names before that whole incident? Of course you didn't. Knight was "the chubby love child of Frodo and Sam," while Washington was "that black guy on Grey's Anatomy." Now they are T.R. Knight: Defender of Equality and Isaiah Washington: Hater of Gays. Big deal! Everybody knows that black people can't be standing no homos! (Although they love the double negative more than barbecue). He's just keepin' it real up in this bitch!
It would make sense, then, that the Hollywood elite craft every temper tantrum and supposed-misstep in order to generate google hits. I mean, what's the harm?! More importantly, since it's so easy to earn a Get Out of Jail Free card with even the slightest bit of fame (see Fame vs. Fucked Curve), it makes even more sense for the people on the margins of celebrity to do whatever they can to get their names in front of people.
You've got to do something to distinguish yourself, I suppose, when everyone you are competing with for column space has the same amount of talent; which is to say they have NONE -- unless you count lying motionless a talent...which I do! No, I do. That's why Anna Nicole is still one up on the rest of these assholes in my book. All corpse jokes aside, she might be the most genuinely interesting and entertaining of the lot just lying still, peacefully decomposing, having brought CourtTV back to its OJ Simpson-era splendor. It seems I know everything about her. Thanks to airport newsstands, the same goes for all of these other people.
That's really the common thread that weaves people like Washington and Richards together with people like Dustin Diamond, Keith Urban, Nicole Ritchie, and Anna Nicole Smith. They share the miracle that people actually KNOW THEIR FUCKING NAMES! How fucked up is that!? They should live and die as The Black Guy on the hospital show, Kramer, Screech, that country singer who's banging Nicole Kidman, Lionel Ritchie's bug-eyed adopted daughter, and that half-retarded, gold-digging Guess model. Instead, these bit players are now household names and it boggles my mindballs!
Character actors should NEVER be household names until they die of old age. The children of actual famous people should never be household names until they O.D. And a country singer should never be a household name until FOREVER.
Except for Willie Nelson. He's a pimp. Not a whore.
Which, once again, brings us back to the reigning Queen of Bad Press -- Britney (Like I said, Anna Nicole Smith is dead... for now. Although she might become the Tupac Shakur of bimbos and release movies and albums 5 years after turning into worm excrement).
Britney Spears is supposed to be a singer and a pop idol, yet the only things that have been reported coming out of her mouth in the last 4 years are indignantly defensive "statements" crafted by her PR people and Kevin Federline's penis.
Remember when pop singers just disappeared out of the public eye when the arc of their fame and relevance had run its course? From then on, their names only ever crossed your cortex again because you were hungover watching VH1 "I love the 80s" one Saturday afternoon when you should have been cleaning. Aww, you remember: The Good Ol' Days, back in the 80's, when the expression went: "Celebrities never die, they just go to Daytime TV!" Now, it seems, they just go to the press. Celebs show a little snatch and a new record deal is right around the labial fold!
There is good news, though: at least now Michael Jackson isn't at the center of the maelstrom anymore. Now he can finally sip his Jesus Juice and cornhole prepubescent Tahitian boys in peace and quiet. Except for the screaming, of course.
Posted by Bill Dawes at 11:45 AM
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Comments
Why do people hate you so much? Is it because you're blonde and nail chicks? Or is it because you smell like a baboon's infected anus?
Posted by: Mike Garvey at March 9, 2007 12:41 PM
I had an idea that L.A. was a pretty fucked up place, but I had no idea that comedians were so catty! I always pictured them as one big happy Brady Bunch family, joking with each other behind the scenes in one big Full House family get together. If it makes you feel better,and would help your career, you can insult me. That always works. I'm less than nobody in "the business". It's all just weirdness out there.
Posted by: Elizabeth at March 9, 2007 12:44 PM
You are fucking awesome. No limits, dude. With blogs like these you'll either SKYROCKET to well-deserved fame, or or die a miserable, lonely death when some offended asshole shoots you in the face. Either way, EVERYONE will know your name sooner or later, so I'm sure it'll be well-worth it.
Posted by: Janet at March 9, 2007 12:57 PM
do i really smell like a baboon's infected anus? that had to be the best comment from a 12 year old yet.
Posted by: billdawes at March 9, 2007 04:52 PM
So "any press is good press" isn't exactly true? I'm just shocked you care whether people like you or not.
Posted by: anonymous at March 9, 2007 08:39 PM
"I get Irritable Bowel Syndrome when the cashier at Taco Bell doesn't smile at me. So imagine the degree of agita that accrued when I heard that efforts were in motion to get me banned from certain comedy clubs because of my apparent misstep. I palpitated and stress-farted and popped xanax like tic-tacs."
That's one of the best clusters of English I've read in a long time.
Posted by: The Bunny at March 10, 2007 12:20 PM
anyone who acts like they don't care like people like them or not or say they don't care CARE more than anybody else.
the people who really don't care aren't in the entertainment biz, that's fo sho.
Posted by: billdawes at March 10, 2007 03:42 PM
I see, thanks for clearing that up. Screw HollyWeird and come on back to the Big Apple.
Posted by: anonymous at March 10, 2007 09:09 PM
Yes, you do smell like an infected ape anus, most likely of the baboon variety.
Posted by: Don at March 15, 2007 10:26 AM
Jewtenant Riggs! I can't figure out why I think its so funny but I'm laughing anyway.
Posted by: Corey Stewart at March 15, 2007 08:00 PM
Aren't you casting Paris Hilton as an UNWILLING recipient of BP's Cleveland Steamer for this to qualify as a major fuck up? This strikes me as unlikely.
Posted by: Rich at March 16, 2007 12:58 PM
This one was fucking funny, mainly because it rings true...so true.
By the way, I love the asymptote reference. All of us math nerds out there appreciated it.
Posted by: doctornine at March 16, 2007 05:14 PM
see, cousin, no ones knows who this blog is even about. take it down about a hundred notches.
Posted by: billdawes at March 22, 2007 03:21 PM
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