Holiday Movies - December 29, 2006

I saw that movie "Black Christmas." Wow! That was shocking - here I was, thinking I was going to see an uplifting film about KWAANZA... and lo and behold... only ONE black person in the whole movie!

Even MORE ironic, only ONE white person in the whole movie theatre!

It was a midnight screening and there were babies crying throughout the entire theatre. Now, I don't know how those babies were able to sneak out without their babysitters noticing and get INTO a movie theatre, but maybe they're like those "Look Who's Talking" John Travolta Scientology babies that have superpowers or something.

In all seriousness, who the fuck brings their one-year old to a midnight screening? OF A HORROR FILM!? Someone has got to stop these crazy white women!

What? I saw a white woman! That's the ONE white person in the theatre I was talking about. I meant excluding ME. If you guys wanna make stereotypes, it's on YOU.

"What about the baby? Wouldn't that be TWO white people?" you might be thinking. Thank you for setting up my next joke, imaginary person!

First of all, I wouldn't count a "baby" as "person." I consider all babies just viruses in diapers. Second of all, the baby was CLEARLY not all white.

I don't think those warnings like "Don't talk during the movie" and "Silence is Golden" really work. It's not the language - I don't think a warning like "Don't be talking during the movie" or "Silence be Golden up in this bitch" would necessarily work better -- but the people who talk at the movie KNOW they talk at the movie. A cute little jingle isn't going to get them to rethink their blabby ways.

LISTEN: I've never been to a Magic Johnson movie theatre. Mostly because I like hearing the movies I watch. But, let's be honest, do you think they really have a "Don't talk during the movie" warning? They must have something like, "Look... TAKE TURNS talking during the movie, guys - share screen time with your peeps!"

I love the one at AMC that says, "Don't ruin the movie by adding your own soundtrack" and they have the sound of talking and a baby crying. Everyone in the theatre unfamiliar with it looks around for a second like, "Will someone shut that fucking baby up!?"

But who is that message for? Is it for the babies? Are they supposed to think, "Oh snap! I'll keep that in check, thanks for reminding me!"

Is it for the mothers who brought their baby to the theatre?

They can't speak English!

And if they do speak English, that's ironic because you're sending a logical message to a woman... who brought her fucking BABY to the movie theatre!!! Not to mention the fact that if she is in the movie, she can't CONTROL the wails of her baby! Are they trying to series finale Alan Alda "MASH" it and have the woman snap the baby's neck? What are they saying!?

I think a woman knows that if her baby is crying, it's time to excuse herself and walk quietly outside of the theatre and give it some tit until it calms down again.

I also saw that movie "ERAGON."

It's such a cool and original story: this young kid from humble beginnings all of a sudden finds out that the fate of the world lies in his hands! At first, he doesn't want the pressure, but then he accepts it, and ends up - believe it or not - involved in a battle between good and evil where the evil totally outnumber the good, and, it becomes even more surprising and ironic because he's just a boy from humble beginnings but he ends up being THE HERO -- despite going up against tremendous odds!

Wow! I never would have thunk it! I had a feeling the good guys were going to win, but there were some many bad guys... I was NERVOUS! Boy, those Hollywood types know how to keep you on pins and needles!

The last movie I saw was "Rocky Balboa."

He actually loses the fight to the black guy. But it's not about that. He gets something much more important than that in the end - he gets more money for another facelift. HOLY SHIT! Have you seen that shit! He looks like his eyebrows were taped on!

Fuck holiday movies.

Are there even any good ones out there?

Posted by Bill Dawes at 8:18 PM

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Comments

What gets me about those stupid mothers is, even if you have the most content baby, what baby isn't going to cry at a movie where it is basically people screaming bloody murder throughout the whole thing? Hey, it's not our fault you're knocked up for the fifth time and haven't seen a movie in years! Rent the dvd's or probably more appropriately, beta.

Posted by: Elizabeth Who? at December 29, 2006 08:46 PM

I just rented The Descent. Its much better and totally appropriate for making children cry on Christmas eve.

Posted by: babyscrambler at December 30, 2006 01:39 AM

Lol @ your rantings.

Posted by: Lewcifer at December 30, 2006 04:46 AM

the fountain, it's amazingggg (i think it's still out)

Posted by: zach at December 30, 2006 01:59 PM

I've always thought they should just have a special section for those people who bring babies to the movies... box 'em in with the smokers, then cut off the oxygen supply.

Posted by: Randy at December 30, 2006 02:18 PM

Thanks for the spoilers homo : P Haha, anyways, you had some good stand up on Laugh Factory's site. I'm impressed bro, keep up the great work.

Posted by: Wayland at December 31, 2006 03:18 AM

Just rent a tiny house in the middle of nowhere, with no TV and no cinema in a 100-mile radius (that's what I did).
On a critical note - the EMPHASIS you use in your sentences seems a bit out of HAND in THIS article... doesn't read easily.

Posted by: Bas at January 1, 2007 12:01 PM

I love your delicate approach to racial observation humor, Bill. It's a deft touch you wield.

Is your editor asleep or on vacation or what?

Posted by: El Supremo at January 2, 2007 02:03 PM

Hey - I've been to a Magic Johnson Theatre, to see Scary Movie 2 of all things.

BTW - Fuck you for spoiling Rocky - I hate when people do that.

Posted by: Ashley at January 2, 2007 10:45 PM

well, this is a standup bit really. I write it like I (intend to) say it. The stresses are my indication of timing and where to land for jokes.

you're probably right... a little too much.

what with the editor comment, Supremo? is it the emphasis shit, too?

Posted by: billdawes at January 3, 2007 12:54 AM

Nothing in the world sets me off like a crying baby in a theatre. I do like to fantasize that there's a tit being suckled right behind me it stops though.

Posted by: Corey Stewart at January 6, 2007 02:34 AM

Good day!

By the way, I love that too! Where did you get that at?

See you soon! Girly Girl

see how I make free money with paid online surveys

Posted by: conniechoochoo at February 17, 2007 03:49 PM