Holey Smokes - October 12, 2006

My long-time girlfriend recently moved out (see "Sex and Stretch").

Although I've been fantasizing about being single with an empty apartment for a couple of years now, I find that I'm sort of sucking-chest-wound miserable sitting here by myself.

I feel like a drained testicle.

You know how after you have sex a few times in a short period, you tend to cum air because there's nothing left in your balls? You either turn the condom into a balloon animal or blow dry your girl's hair or give her the hiccups (true story)? Just me?

Anycum, those are the effects of "post-drained ball syndrome." It may sound like loads of fun, at least as a novelty, but "PDBS" makes me feel like an empty, soulless vortex of a black hole.

That's how I feel now, alone in my apartment.

I'm walking around with a void where I thought my soul was. My family members are trying to get me to read "self-help" books, but I refuse to read anything that has the word "God" or a number in the title. I would do what the majority of unhappy Americans do and watch more TV, but most of it sucks, and "Meerkat Manor" is only on once a week. I know I have to find a more permanent substitute for my utter lack of substance.

To fill the yawning chasm where my "inner fortitude" and shit should be, I've taken up smoking. And not just social smoking - full on addicted, tracheotomy hole in my neck, chain smoking.

I can't say I like it very much, but it is serving well as a soul-spackle. My friends are already trying to get me to quit and asking me why I would take up such a filthy habit. To hide my empty depression and my all-encompassing addiction, I tell them I'm doing it to get a deeper, raspier voice in order to land more non-gay roles. That's really only 50% a lie, since I actually would like to act in a film where I don't end up with cock in my mouth. And, hopefully, a by-product of those new roles will be women throwing their vaginas at me until I look like Bill Murray at the end of "Ghostbusters." I could use the positive reinforcement after being dumped.

Besides, chicks love dudes with deeper voices. You could ask Barry White - if he wasn't a corpse. But that's the type of vocal power I want - the type of voice that makes white women wet and white men cross the street. When I am behind a group of people and trying to get by, I want them to duck and cower like a dish was just thrown at them when I say "excuse me, crackas!"

barry white.jpg

To date, the smoking hasn't unlocked any sort of irresistable, Axe-deodoarant-body spray animal magnetism. I act like a tough womanizer while I chain smoke after my set at the comedy club, but then I go home to watch "The Notebook" and have a good cry. That being said, the cigs have definitely cultivated my hatred of the human race, and hate kicks self-pity's ass!

For example, I've come to happily despise those people who say "Oh, I don't smoke. I would never be a Smoker - I'm just a social smoker, I only smoke when I drink."

FUCK THOSE ARROGANT FUCKS!

First of all, what does that even mean?! If you piggy back it with another vice, it doesn't count, is that it!? I suppose you can just willy-nilly apply that paradigm to any combination of vices, huh:

"Oh, I don't murder. I would never be a murderer! I only murder when I rape. Really, that's pretty much the only time. Except, sometimes when I'm stressed out from work, I murder then too. But that's rare and it's always someone else's fault."

Worse still are those people who, when you ask them for a LIGHT, offer a quick condescending jab like, "No, sorry, I don't smoke."

FUCK THOSE FUCKS EVEN HARDER!

Because that wasn't my QUESTION, was it? The ANSWER is a simple "yes" or "no," Chatty McHighHorse.

Okay, fine! I get it! They don't smoke. I can handle that. But GOD FORBID you ask some pretentious non-smoker like that for a "CIGARETTE!"

You are assured of getting any one of the following insufferably obnoxious responses:

1. No, sorry, I don't smoke. Never have! Never will!
2. I have never smoked a day in my life!
3. Sorry, I used to smoke, but I quit 3 years ago. And I feel great! Come do a walk-a-thon for charity with me!
4. Ugh, that stuff'll kill you! I run 6 miles a day, drink wheatgrass, and shit perfect vegan meatloaf with which I feed the homeless every Thanksgiving. Plus, I cum skittles!

The answer to both the "light" and the "cigarette" query is either yes or no! That's it!

I didn't ask for the director's commentary on the DVD of your stupid life, asshole! This isn't a doctoral dissertation. I didn't say: 'Can I have a cigarette? If not, why? Please present a complete oral defense of your thesis. Use the overhead projector if necessary and help prove your theory with the use of pie graphs.'

FUCK THOSE FUCKS THE HARDEST!

Listen: smoking is cool.

It just is.

Period.

The harder the government tries to show you how uncool it is, the cooler it gets. You ever see a celebrity do an "anti-smoking" campaign? I don't care if you smoke or don't -- you see that celebrity doing an anti-smoking PSA and you immediately think, "Oh, man, I thought that guy was a stud. I guess I was wrong. Next thing you know he'll be working with kids and stuff, like Eddie Murphy. What an asshole!"

Despite the benefits of the coolness factor, I still have to deal with the fact that my voice hasn't changed one gay bit. Even in my most gravelly, early morning just-woke-up timbre, my vocal frequency doesn't get much deeper than Ellen DeGeneres with a chest cold.

On top of that, I can no longer walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded and I am now the laughingstock of my father's family thanks to my propensity for getting "puff drunk" -- a strange phenomenon that affects Irishmen who can normally drink 8 scotches without flinching, but, when combined with only 2 puffs of a cigarette, get sloppy-fall-over-puke-on-their-pants shit hammered.

drunk irishman.jpg
My Dead Barfly Uncle

I don't care, though. I'm still going to keep smoking unfiltered Marlboros until I get that sexy, grainy, homeless guy voice. Or, better yet, that dolby stereo movie trailer voice. If I had that voice, I wouldn't have to worry about getting non-gay movie roles because I would be too busy back at my apartment talking dirty to hot chicks during sex. I would definitely say more than I say now, which is usually limited to a squeaky: "Uaghah...sorry!"

I might even narrate the foreplay like a movie trailer:

"In a world where you cradle my balls, ONLY ONE MAN is going to get some head. One man, one mouth, one burning desire! Bill Dawes in "Swallow my Junk! Part 2: The Messy Mouth" Coming soon!"

My biggest fear is that I'll never be able to shake the voice of a lipstick lesbian. It's kind of sad, which makes my emotional hole gape wider, which makes me wanna drink and smoke more, which will hopefully make my voice a little deeper.

It's a merry go-round I wanna ride until I have either filled up the hole in my heart or honkeys run across the street at the sound of my bellow.

Posted by Bill Dawes at 9:24 PM

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Comments

You watched the Notebook? Dude, you are so gay. Anygay, um, I knew when reading the Stretch blog you were just angry and couldn't wait to have another woman shitting in your apartment! Also, dude, that stuff will kill you. The smoking, not the shit.

Posted by: Elizabeth Who? at October 12, 2006 10:14 PM

I smoked off and on since I was a cool kid in junior high. I don't sound like Xena. I sound like Gabrielle. I did quit. I do smell better. I do miss it. And, I really want one. But, I won't, because it'll start the whole chain reaction again. Do I feel better since I quit? Hell, no. But, now, when Mom comes over unexpectedly, I don't have to spray perfume or stand back like I have gas. Hah. I miss it. I'm definitely not cool anymore. And, crap, I barely ever was.

Posted by: morgan at October 12, 2006 10:18 PM

Ok....here I go.....SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. IT GIVES YOU WRINKLES ON YOUR FACE AND MAKE YOU LOOK OLDER THAN YOU ARE. YOU WON'T BE SO CUTE IN A FEW YEARS, IF YOU DON'T STOP SMOKING NOW. STOP SMOKING, BILL. IT'S BAD FOR YOUR CAREER. IF YOUR VOICE CHANGES, NO ONE WILL KNOW IT'S YOU, ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU TURN ALL WRINKLY AND LOOK LIKE AN OLD PERSON FROM SOME FOREIGN COUNTRY WHO SITS IN THE SUN ALL DAY W/O SUNCREEN.....YOU'LL GET THAT FROM SMOKING.

Ok...enough screaming. My sister in law is 10 months older than me, but she looks 10 yrs older than because she smoked. My bro in law is 4 years younger than me, but he looks 15 yesars older than becase he smoked. My friend Dawn is 14 years younger than me, but we look about the same age, except I'm prettier because I DO NOT SMOKE.

just thought I'd let you fuck me really good and hard......lmao

j/k

Posted by: Joahna aka Ladybug at October 12, 2006 11:58 PM

My god i dint know Barry White was dead. I had all his albums in the seventy's.
As for advice I aint got none other than been there done that.. Sometimes we need to suffer or go without to see what weve missed..although im not convinced!

Posted by: barry rutherford at October 13, 2006 12:21 AM

dude i have people telling me i should have been a voice over guy for years!and yes i did smoke,quit,smoked,quit,etc....is there no end to it? anywho wouldn't this world be boring if everyone's answer was straight and to the point?lol!sad to say assholes are an essential part of our little existance!no assholes=no drama! keep up your great blogs they keep me rollin'

Posted by: FRANK at October 13, 2006 01:21 AM

Awesome closer. I don't smoke, though I do have a zippo that I should fill up with fluid and carry around. Maybe you'll ask me if I have a light and I could nonchalantly do a Zippo-lighting trick to offer my fire-magic to your white burning stick.

Posted by: Wayland at October 13, 2006 02:17 AM

Don't listen to those fucks.

I smoke. And I ALWAYS have a lighter (hell, I usually carry two) and a cigarette to give, unless it's my last one, in which case, fuck off, moocher.

Posted by: ITG at October 13, 2006 04:08 AM

I never EVER smoke in the morning, but reading your story made me reach for my Marlboro Lights at 10am! You are a BAD BAD influence, Bill Dawes!
Thanks for the good laugh, great post!
PS: I hope this deep-voice-cigarette-merry-go-round does not work for women, otherwise I will probably end up sounding like a transvestite today!

Posted by: laura at October 13, 2006 04:26 AM

Cheer up, buttercup. And if you're going to smoke something, might as well go for pot: it'll achieve more in the way of masking your sadness than cigarettes, and you'll still get the emphezyma-like growl.

Posted by: Tamara at October 13, 2006 10:09 AM

Nice Shane MacGowan pic. Good to see a fellow fan

Posted by: matt at October 13, 2006 02:19 PM

women with deep voices is also hot. Kathleen Turner in Body Heat, sh'mon! Kathleen Turner now is, however, a little too fucking low.

Posted by: billdawes at October 13, 2006 03:23 PM

Hey Bill, your voice is fine. Have you heard David Beckham's voice? And one of the gayest people on the planet, Harvey Firestein, has a deep. scratchy voice. You don't sound like a lesbian, you LOOK like one.

Posted by: Armand Assante's Left Ventricle at October 13, 2006 07:37 PM

Hey! And just think, after you get the voice you want you can take up chewing to keep your nicotine habit going.

Posted by: Randy at October 13, 2006 09:49 PM

A lot of non-smokers won't date a smoker. If you've ever, as a non smoker, kissed a girl after she's smoked, you'll know it's pretty gross. "Like licking an ashtray" is what people say ... though I for one have never licked an ashtray so I can't confirm that comparison :)

Posted by: Paul at October 14, 2006 12:13 AM

The movie-preview-voice sex narration did it for me.

Your blog absolutely fucking rocks. So much I wish I could come up with a more creative way to say it.

Meh.

Posted by: BlueEyedMonster at October 14, 2006 09:44 AM

Damn you are adorable, and funny, and very very cool. I 2nd the kynd bud factor...and much hipper (although I smoke and would love to quit!)

Happy Trails!

Posted by: Run4DaRose at October 14, 2006 07:33 PM

Oh and, nice Ads LMFAO :)...But I love that you give a nod to us hardworking (preppy Deadhead here - 114 Shows) Deadheads once in a while...What shows have you been to?

Posted by: Run4DaRose at October 14, 2006 07:37 PM

Hey Bill,
You are as funny as hell but you look like you hang around glory holes on you IMDB site. "...Baby cunt on my fingers...." OOh comedy doesnt get any better than that.

Keep punching,
Spillsy

Posted by: Micka at October 15, 2006 08:41 PM

yeah, kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray... with tits and a vagina, with the possibilty of sex. As far as I can remember, nicotine doesn't affect the taste of taint either. And if you don't like kissing her mouth, suck on a tit for fucks sakes! btw, even my straightedge friends agree, smoking is cool

Posted by: mrpink1567 at October 16, 2006 06:28 PM

I was planning on quitting today, but thanks to your post I don't think that'll be happening. Besides, who wants to be a quitter? Oh, and whenver I see people walking by when I'm smoking I can't help but think how cool they must think I am.

Posted by: JollyGreenGiant at October 16, 2006 09:25 PM

The movie preview guy's name is Dan LaFountaine (or maybe LaFontaine) Thanks to the car insurance commercial.

Posted by: Matt at October 16, 2006 09:43 PM

You know who smokes marlboros? Gay cowboys.

Seriously, smoke something with a bit more bite, such as:

Gas station flavored cigars (Prime Times)
Bidi's (indian rolled cigs, much better)
or the best choice Kretek's or some other clove cig.

Also if you want the raspy voice gurgle whisky and try to imitate death metal vocalists. ( http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4999103489157722014&q=arch+enemy&hl=en
she has bigger balls than you)

Posted by: xercess at October 17, 2006 03:29 AM

Smoke roll ups.. They're loads cheaper and have more tobacco and less cyanide (which I take to be throat clearing/ vocal chord tightening, since my voice never sounds more like a pre-pubescent boy than when I been heavy on the normal fags)

Or take cigar smoke down to lungs.. Then u get the REAL voice of death-rattle!!
hope u find your soul soon (mine's usually hiding behind the sofa)

Posted by: Gem at October 18, 2006 11:10 AM

Do what I do, smoke cigars and inhale. Nothing gets your voice to a beefy timbre like inhaling 8 inches of Cuban goodness....wait a minute that sounded gay. Ok, making your voice deeper is as easy as sucking on a long, brown, phallic object. That sounds much better! Anyway, it works, you smell like homeless ass, and look like John Wayne in a pink shirt (my favorite cigar smoking shirt).

Posted by: Fatal Error at October 18, 2006 07:32 PM

I think smoking is a necessary vice, when you break up with someone (eases the pain stifles anxiety)...or when you first start dating(breaks the ice makes you seem cooler than you are)...after that it's just nasty!

BTW, am I wrong (note:I only ask that when I KNOW I am not wrong)...wasn't one of your MAJOR complaints about the girlfriend smoking???

Andrea

Currently listening to Alanis Morissette
"Ironic"

Posted by: Dre at October 24, 2006 03:38 PM

I hate the patronizing non-smokers, but doesn't it make up for it when someone does have a light? They ruffle through their pockets with a smile, because they've been there.

Posted by: Marek at February 6, 2007 01:00 PM

Global Warming Isn't A Threat

Posted by: Sexy Milf at March 25, 2007 09:17 AM