John Gray and the Sexual Double Standard - January 26, 2007

Since I'm not married, it pretty much means that every relationship I've ever been in has been a failure.

This worries my mother a lot because she's set on having a "legitimate" grandchild someday. She's worried that I'm either going to die alone--a horribly decrepit, botoxed, and failed actor--twirling the last few strands of hair around my scalp like a Taliban headwrap to disguise my depleted youth; OR that I'm going to die very soon, in a festering heap of dirty laundry, Ramen noodles and my own feces, living in a Koreatown shoebox apartment.

See, Suzy Dawes is convinced that I need a woman to "take care of" me.

She still asks me if I regret breaking up with Julie Lipper, the heir to the Lipper Financial fortune. I remind my mom that Julie was a Jew and, as a result, her grandchildren would never know Jesus. When she continues with her ejaculations of regret, I try to console her by saying that Julie was an idiot and it might have resulted in half-retard, Jesus-hating spawn. I remind her that there is nothing sadder than a mongoloid in a yarmulke.

I feel bad for my mother. My mom loves me in a way that I'll probably never know or fully understand. A complete love that only a mother can know. I mean, let's face it, I came out of her snatch. There's a certain connection there that I will never be able to fully relate to (although I have wistfully stared at some of my larger dumps with a sparkle of something similar, I imagine).

To make herself feel better about my horrible, lonely predicament, my mother has decided that for Christmas and my birthday, I would benefit greatly from "self-help" books. There is nothing that says "You're a fucking loser!" like giving someone a self-help book. She got me two. I guess she couldn't help herself.

I acted excited about seeing John Gray's face on the covers of both of my gifts, but it was depressing. First of all, do I really need to know what an obviously gay man has to say about procuring poontang? Second of all, what do you say when you get a self-help book from your mother? "Thanks, mom, I've been meaning to kill myself lately?"

Then my mom gave me that pursed-lip, meaningful-nod thing, as if to say "I'm circling the drain, Bill - please make sure you get married before I die!"

She tried to tell me that John Gray researched male-female relationships since the days when Jesus came out of his mom's snatch (not her words) and used that information to decipher the interactions of men and women in today's society.

I don't need a fucking book. I already know why my relationships don't work. Looking at my mother only corroborated this belief. There is ONE word to explain why relationships don't work and that is...

Women.

Women are crazy. Not kooky. Not quirky. Not "full of personality!" NO -- Fucking crazy.

Somehow, the fact that "women are crazy" has enabled John Gray to become one of the most successful self-help writers EVER with his "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" pamphlets!

How so? I know the history of how women being crazy turned John Gray into a rich homosexual, and here it is (as told to me in a dream):

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a race of Gerbil-Frog philosopher hybrids named "The Johnsons" ruled the universe. They lived in swamps so no one would be able to tell they had bowel problems that resulted in chronic flatulence. The most famous of these was the youngest son of King Abe Vigoda Johnson. His name was Yoda Johnson and his most famous pronouncement was this: "Crazy women are... mmmmm....PFFFFFFFT!" True story.

Looking at, what are you? Heard me, you did bitch

Back on Earth, that adage persisted through millennia of blissfully happy female oppression. Oog and Mog were able to club a bitch for crazy "backgrunt" in the Paleolithic Era. Men could get blue balls in the 17th century and have a woman burned at the stake for it - because once thee gets cock-teased and calleth a woman a "bitch," what's one letter, ye townspeople?

Eventually, men were no longer allowed to barbecue the weaker sex willy-nilly. Ergo, women were able to nag sans consequence for many blabby years. A new solution was required, so men invented looney bins to shut them up. Contrary to popular belief, asylum rooms were padded on the inside because of the excellent sound insulation it provided. As a result, up until the 1920's, men were almost whimsical in committing their wives (and any hussy who gave them blue balls or "lip") to insane asylums. It was a phenomenon known as the "snake pits" and guy were digging it.

Then things changed dramatically.

Apparently, married women learned how to give head shortly before 1920, because somehow, miraculously, an all-MALE congressional assembly gave women the right to vote. How did we fuck that one up, you might ask? My theory is that women, fearing that they would never get suffrage, held a secret meeting in September of 1919 and developed the "up-twist-down-cradle-the-balls" technique. This secured female electoral leverage forever.

It was a quick demise for men and the concept of "female oppression" after that.

Shortly after suffrage, women discovered girl-on-girl head, Vassar was invented, and dykedom spread throughout America in 1950s, circulating with it the new axiom that "men are stupid." It stuck to the collective unconscious of the country like corn in shit. In the 60's and 70's, people would joke, "Women are crazy and men are stupid," before trading keys and giving birth to Fetal Alcohol Babies.

Further improvement in blow job technique in the early 80's, including the kinky pinky in the stinky (or the "disco bj"), enabled the phrase to finally transpose itself into:

"Men are stupid and women are crazy."

Thanks to the economy and veracity of this phrase, it became the hackiest comedic premise of all time and spread like wildfire in the comedy club heydays of the late 1980's.

Then, in the 1990's, John Gray made 1 bijllion dollars from the fucking phrase! He just replaced "stupid" with "from Mars" and "crazy" with "from Venus." The fucker just threw in some stupid planet names to make it look scientific and the rest is self-help history! And my Christmas is ruined.

(Meanwhile, John Gray uses altar boy cum for lip gloss. Isn't that ironic...don't you think? It's like not understanding what the fuck irony is in a song titled "Isn't it ironic?")

So, IF John Gray's hackery is correct, and this most common of phrases to describe the differences between men and women is actually a truism... why is it true?

Well, when women aren't yelling about nonsense and pointing at invisible things, they like to argue that women are crazy because men do so many stupid things that, over time, it makes them that way.

Is that true? Could one be the result of the other?

And that puts us squarely in a "chicken and egg" debate that is as controversial as the decision for Hillary Clinton to run for president. I've never seen a subject so divisive amongst my friends. While many of my friends thinks she's going to lose and has no chance of winning, a lot of my other friends thinks she's really a cunt. They can't seem to reach a consensus about it!

I, for one, take the position of the egg and say that men are stupid BECAUSE women's craziness, beginning with MOM--the craziest bitch of all--has reduced men's brains to such an addled state of John Cleesian (tm) haplessness and confusion that, by the time our cocks and balls have emerged from their innocent chrysalis, we have already been rendered completely moronic.

Hence, the skirt-chasing and the overwhelming need to stick our cocks into anything wet or even wet-adjacent. I mean, hey, I fucked a sock full of vaseline once when I was twelve. I had a friend who fucked a pound of ground beef from Costco! (A fact that haunts me to this day because his parents always had the best cookouts.)

I imagine a book called, "Women Have Innies and Men Would Fuck a Heap of Ground Beef" wouldn't move copy, but the underlying concept is still the basis for the most prevalent gender-based double-standards currently driving a wedge between the sexes.

The other day I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine about the most popular of those double standards. Not the one where women get to show their cleavage in a bar and get free drinks all night, but a man walking around with his balls hanging out in the very same bar is "fucking disgusting, Bill!"

No, I'm talking about The Numbers Game.

My friend contends that a man who has slept with more than 200 women is considered "cool," but a woman who has slept with over 200 men is a "slut."

I disagree completely.

I think that woman is a "whore."

If you're a woman and you've slept with over 200 men, then I can only assume that you carry a Costco-sized bottle of Scope in your fake Louis Vuitton purse and use it as a palate-cleanser after swallowing pecker snot from strangers for money. (That's right, I said "pecker snot." Google it, slut.)

I know a lot of guys who have slept with that many women who are somewhat upstanding members of society: they have those "job thingies" I keep hearing about; they don't masturbate in public; many of them are married now and have children. Some of them even have children they know about. Just from my own experience, I know it's possible for guys to have a lot of sex and not let it affect them.

To the contrary, I contend that any woman with those kinds of numbers is keeping-feces-in-a-jar crazy. If they're not feces-in-a-jar crazy, they are at the very least molested-by-their-uncle crazy, and quite possibly molested-by-their-father-repeatedly-while-mom-was-passed-out-in-the-next-room crazy.

FOR THE RECORD, I know it's not the poor woman's fault if she needs a Shakeys' all-you-can-eat cock buffet in order to spackle the hole in her wall of self-esteem. However, can we come together a little here and admit it's just a little bit fucking nastier when women do it?

And not because her vagina is stretched out like a camel's belly before a trip across the Sahara.

Ironically, I mostly think it's nastier (and crazier) when women sleep around that much because of the simple fact that they are having sex with men. And men are all the same. We are. We are fucking nasty and dumb.

You're telling me that as men we shouldn't be even the least bit concerned when we find out you've banged 200 people just like us? Statistically, at least 80 of those guys are going to be worse; those dumb, disease-ridden idiots who say shit like "Yo" unironically and eat at the "Olive Garden." And since the woman is on the receiving end, she has to absorb him, accept him, and let him run his sweaty, truculent course until he says, "Yo, I'mma cum in you!" and collapses onto the crusty poly-blend sheet fitted around his futon.

The Retard Love Dais

Sorry, women, it's one of the many disadvantages of having an innie.

That's why I fucking hate "Sex and the City." Samantha was a miserable slut, but Candace Bushnell and her band of pole-smokers wrote her character so all her friends just giggled and lovingly "Oh, Samantha"'d all of her cock juggling escapades. Bullfuckinggreenbabyshit! Any gaggle of snobby New York bitches would have questioned her suitability for the clique the very first time they watched her leave the club with some guy she just met. And, after the 40th new guy that month, ONE of them would have at least been like, "Ugh. What a whore! It makes me almost want to hang out with married people!... Okay, I won't go that far, but can we at least find a fourth friend whose vagina doesn't whistle while we're walking down 5th avenue looking for shoe sales? Oh my God, I love the new Manolos!"

Now, if you're a woman, you might be saying, "Bill, you just have a problem with women who actually have control of their lives, their sexual mores, and their choices. You've just been brought up with misogynistic societal constructs, and the idea of a sexual predatress who acts like a man just turns that whole antiquated world view upside down, and now you're unable to adjust your frame of reference to accept this because you're stuck in an ideological gridlock. What you really need to do is ask yourself what's wrong with YOU, Bill, not Samantha, that you think it's okay to have a double standard like that. Personally, I think that you have "mom" issues and should go to therapy 4 days a week like I do, and, oh yea, I brought along a short film to illustrate why I'm right and you're pathetic and blahblahblah!" -- FUCK, YOU WOMEN LIKE TO TALK!!!

Is that right, though? Is the double standard just a vestigial remnant of my religious upbringing? Is it a symptom of the Puritanical bedrock upon which our country was founded? Or is it just one of the many advantages to having an outie?

Which leads me to the paradox I really want to talk about.

Men suck in bed. In order for a sexual relationship to work, we need to rely on the ingenuity, creativity, perseverance, and skill of a woman. Let's face it, most guys only have three moves: the in-out-repeat-if-necessary move; the pinball flipper smack the shit out of the sides move; and the less impressive than we think "Hey baby, look at me, I'm doing circles like a Kitchen Aid mixer!" move.

We want a little bit of slut to keep things working. Shit, WE NEED IT, because we're lazy and uninventive dumbfucks. There isn't a straight man alive that doesn't love it when a woman he's with for the first or second time spontaneously squats on the cock and busts out the slow porn star strokes.

One problem though: a woman gets these skills, through, uh, "training," right?

The question then becomes how much training is too much training?

Where's the line between "wow, she's a sexual dynamo" and "fuck, do I have AIDS now!?"

I don't know, but I'm thinking it's somewhere comfortably below the 200 mark. Ladies, if your number is within a bowling throw of that high-water mark, do us a favor.

Lie.

And don't let us see the mouthwash in your purse

In the meantime, I have advice for anyone who receives a self-help book as a gift - particularly from John Gray -- from anybody other than their mom: smile, be polite, take the book... and then beat that person to death with it.

Don't read it! I'm not going to read it! Well, at least, not AGAIN.

I might, however, get a membership to Costco....

Posted by Bill Dawes at 10:27 AM

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Comments

Awesome entry dude! My theory has always been, if you think there is any chance she is at that high of a count (200) don't ask.

Posted by: Jordan at January 26, 2007 11:21 AM

This was awesome.

I think part of the reason that a guy who's number is over 200 is "cool" and a woman with that number is a whore, is because women LET (not persuade) men have sex with them.

For a guy, the job is persuasion, drink-buying, flirting, jokes, providing transport. If you can get all of them right, and get it right over 200 times, you're a pretty badass man.

For a women, the job is lying on your back. That's all the effort it takes. So if you can lie on your back 200 times... big fucking whoop, your only skill is getting fucked.

Posted by: Ridiculous at January 26, 2007 11:33 AM

Gray ain't even a real doctor. In 1997, he acquired a Ph.D at Columbia Pacific University, a non-accredited institution.

Posted by: me at January 26, 2007 11:38 AM

"It's like not understanding what the fuck irony is in a song titled "Isn't it ironic?"

Home run line there!

Posted by: Randy at January 26, 2007 11:42 AM

my first thought would have been "wow, a new doorstop, thanks mom"

and yes, i wonder can we come to some kind of general consesus as to how many make a woam a whore? I'm curious now.

Posted by: Donna at January 26, 2007 11:47 AM

I have that exact same futon. No lie. I feel... so dirty now.

Posted by: BC Woods at January 26, 2007 02:00 PM

Posted by: billdawes at January 26, 2007 02:18 PM

Hey i agree with ya bill. i'm a woman and i can say we do talk to much and it is onesided all the time. it will never be 50 - 50 coz men and women will never be the same.

Posted by: chris at January 26, 2007 02:36 PM

I feel downright prudish after reading this. or "respectable" perhaps. clocking in at 33 distinct mommyholes at 37 years of age makes me longterm-relationship-bait by comparison. i know, i know - you're a comedian, and an ACTOR, so you GOTTA spread the seed a little wider than the average, but come on. 200 is 2Many no matter who or what you are. and don't pretend you don't have an "innie" just because you prefer not to use it as such, m'man. break the law with some underage huss and you just might end up discovering the Other Side of the equasion.

[funny shit, by the way -- getting better and better, bill]

Posted by: phenomenonymous at January 26, 2007 07:14 PM

I'm not getting into this sh*t. I have the patience, but I don't have the time.

Posted by: Wayland at January 26, 2007 08:03 PM

dude, the whole deal with having to act like we're giving guys PERMISSION to fuck us sucks. it just makes them sound cool because they "conquered" us.

it makes it sound like women don't enjoy sex and we have to be talked into it, while in fact, if you have to actively persuade someone to have sex with you, then you're a massive loser. possibly the biggest to exist since the dawn of humankind.

Posted by: missmephy at January 26, 2007 08:39 PM

A brilliant, multi-faceted essay adding contemporary freshness and providing new insight into a hoary (NPI) theme. However, I can't help but wonder whether there lies a hidden, even more personal dimension to it?

Posted by: rich at January 26, 2007 08:51 PM

Wayland? You're usually so nice?

What happened, bro? What do you mean, you don't have time? There HAS to be something in there to at least make you smirk and call me a "dick."

Posted by: billdawes at January 26, 2007 08:55 PM

Rich... are you saying I'm fucked up?

I'm as pure as the driven slush!

Posted by: billdawes at January 26, 2007 08:58 PM

Actually I loves me my futon. What's retarded to me is being force spooned for four years and not having the balls to say, "Hey bitch, scoot over, I'd like to get some sleep!" Here I though all you needed was some gelatin and a zapper. Stupid me.

Posted by: Elizabeth Who? at January 27, 2007 12:39 PM

The best part about John Gray is that he used to be married to ANOTHER self-help relationship twat named Barbara DeAngelis.

These two snake-oil saleswhores fail miserably at a relationship (probably because he loves cock more than Rosie O'Donnell loves eating children) and then went on to careers about giving OTHER people relationship advice.

Posted by: Armand Assantes Left Ventricle at January 27, 2007 02:26 PM

Pooooor Bill Dawes... all alone. "waaawaaa" ....WAKE UP STUPID and maybe it won't seem CRAZY hard to actually have a lasting nuturing relationship.

Posted by: Mr. knowital at January 28, 2007 02:07 AM

I don't know if I would call it a "brilliant, multi-faceted essay," but it was certainly shitting-in-your-boss's-coffee-cup funny. I literally laughed out loud at least a dozen times, which is a little awkward when you're at a cafe and sitting between a high school girl and a middle aged woman writing a feminism essay. Please no one ask me what I'm laughing at, because I'd rather kill either of you that try to explain it.

Posted by: Twickenhammer at January 28, 2007 02:48 PM

Excellent point, Armand. I always find it's the self-help people who have no clue how to fucking behave. That teeth guy -- Tony Robbins? -- just got divorced. Dr. Phil is allegedly in a terrible marriage AND he's fat writing diet books. Tom Lykos in LA divorced 4 times gives advice on all day on the radio.

As for Mr. Knowitall... hmmm...
I reread the blog and didn't really see a lot of "waawaaawaaa" there, you fucking prick.

I guarantee my sex, love, personal, professional life is about a zillion times more fulfilling than yours. Plus, I bet I can kick your ass or at least get a black guy to do it for me quickly.

Posted by: billdawes at January 28, 2007 02:56 PM

Your posts just get more insane and unfocused...and I like it, since it fits your style of comedy excellently.

Posted by: KIMaster at January 29, 2007 04:07 AM

Nice Lulu Banks quote in the comments Bill. This post was funny, but I think it has some anger issues. Now, didn't I tell you to wait in the car?

Posted by: Christi Lee at January 30, 2007 06:11 AM

"Isn't that ironic...don't you think? It's like not understanding what the fuck irony is in a song titled "Isn't it ironic?""

Haha! That song enrages me every time I hear it. But that's okay: there are plenty of self-help anger management books out there I can tear to shreds to make myself feel better.

Posted by: Dabby at January 30, 2007 07:12 AM

Don't drink and comment... Tallulah Bankhead.

Posted by: Christi Lee at January 30, 2007 02:17 PM

SO you "guarantee" your "sex, love, personal, professional life is about a zillion times more fulfilling" than mine??? ...hmmmm.. that right there is proof you need to GROW THE F**K UP there Mr. Blueballs. You certainly don't sound like your shit is all that together, so RELAX on the "better than" jive!

Posted by: Mr. Knowital at January 30, 2007 03:16 PM

Wait... did you just use the word "jive?" You're a fucking idiot, Antonio. The fact that you're email is antonioloves is all the proof I need. Are you one of those pricks who gives girls Neruda books and talks about spirituality, Nepal, and jazz to get girls into bed?

Mr. Blueballs. Not since I was seventeen. Too many women out there want my custard. Sorry.

Posted by: billdawes at January 31, 2007 11:39 PM

That was by far the best of the best. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

Posted by: Corey Stewart at February 1, 2007 12:49 AM

Glorious! Nobel Prize winning entry!

Posted by: David Hanifi at February 2, 2007 11:41 AM

I think anyone who fucks over 200 people is kind of a whore, period. That's right - both men AND women. God only knows what those man whores could've picked up from those 200 women who've fucked numerous other dumb guys! It's a vicious cycle.

Bill - you need to get laid, don't you? I'm sorry. *hug* We're not all crazy, I promise. But most of us are, so deal with it. You'd be crazy too if your hormonal levels went nuts for a week before you bled from your no-no zone for another week...every month for about 40 years. I don't even wanna know what it's like to be pregnant.

I don't necessarily blame men for my craziness, either. But teenage boys? Definitely. At least, when I've dated them they've driven me crazy. Guys your age are usually better. Usually. They're not as dumb, at least.

Mr. Knowitall - shut up. Flame wars are for E-tards. I bet you're one of those people who still sends angry text messages to people when they make you mad. heheheh....you've got angry thumbs!

Posted by: Michelle at February 2, 2007 08:03 PM

I've learned to just be mysterious about how many men are in my past. It's no where near the 200 mark, but I didn't just lose my virginity last week either.

I just let a man think he's whatever number he's comfortable with. Don't ask, don't tell.

As a woman it's hard to walk the line between getting to enjoy sex without being dubbed a whore.

Posted by: Patsy at February 5, 2007 10:09 PM

I stumbled over your blog whilst I procrastinated heading into work to deal with the daily imcompetence of my co-workers. It's a good excuse to stay home, this read. On to business...Guys that have sex with 200+ broads are lucky their dicks don't rot off. Girls that compete in that category are lucky their holes are even still able to envelope a penis. Scratch that. Their gapping holes have got to be less than desirable. What's the appeal?

Posted by: Natalie at February 6, 2007 07:52 AM

You're ALL prudes. Take a look at different cultures... the 60's in SF. the ancient Greeks. And yes, 21st Century metropolises. 200 isn't a lot of people for a man in his thirties. If you're 36 and have a little skill, you've been getting laid for 20 years (since 16). That's 10 a year. Less than one a month. Average to middling... even for a woman with chick guilt. Most "players" are approaching around a thousand lays by that age. In other words, me thinks you speaketh too much. If 200 is your "oooohhh" number, then none of you are the sex studs you claim to be... this blog is for neurotic comedians who want to get married and the psuedo-sluts who love them.

Posted by: Steel Wood at February 6, 2007 08:59 AM

have fun banging women who have slept with over 200 men. don't cry when you have to shake dick flakes out of your underpants.

"Steel Wood?" Nigga please.

Posted by: billdawes at February 6, 2007 03:46 PM

dude, i don't have a problem with a guy sleeping with that number. but if you think that 1,000 sexual members makes a man a "sex stud," then you are a fucking idiot.

trust me, the challenge is NOT to get laid.

any fucking loser can go out there and have sex with a thousand women.

those men are not "players" or "studs." they're fucking dorks who need to substantiate their existence by fucking as many women as possible.

i perform live comedy and did soaps for years. you think i didn't fuck 1000 women because i'm "neurotic?" it's called taste, you fucking tool.

good luck whoring yourself out like the bottom bitch in the wolf pack.

Posted by: billdawes at February 6, 2007 03:52 PM

i'm actually thinking "Steel Wood," that you're gay. your reference to the greeks was a clue.

in that case, 200 men is called Tuesday.

or you're a porn star. or in the nba.

otherwise, you probably look like a fucking cinder block and have a penicillin IV.

Posted by: billdawes at February 6, 2007 03:58 PM

Since I agree with this whole post I had to send this to a female co-worker. This is what I got in response: "Any guy that refers to his mothers womb as a "snatch" will be single for the rest of his life, no doubt, and should not blame his inadequacies and inability to maintain a relationship on "us"."

Posted by: musk at February 6, 2007 04:26 PM

hey musk, tell your co-worker to lighten up.

tell her FROM ME that her lack of sense of humor is why she will die alone with a crusted over cunt.

Posted by: billdawes at February 6, 2007 05:03 PM

Wow...you really let that "Steel Wood" fella get to you.

And I think your neuroses are cute, so who cares what that guy thinks? Being a hot a chick and all, I'd say that I've got a little more say as to whether or not you're pathetic. And you're not pathetic, so who gives a shit about chlamydia face up there?

Posted by: Michelle at February 11, 2007 01:17 PM

PS. - I'm not really narcissistic, I just sound that way.

Posted by: Michelle at February 11, 2007 01:19 PM

but...butt...answer me why?
WHY do you want to have sex with 200 or 2000? Truly, if you find someone who rocks your world, why do you want other flavors? Stick with one! Why is that so damned hard? (Or is hard the problem, ha?!)
All these playa types tell me, "Oh, no, I only go for the hot ones" tripe. Ummm, yeah...until I see what they classify as 'hot'. NOT! And...there is always a woman in playa boy's life who has fucked him up good. Whether that was Mom, or his current love...some woman has fucked with his head. Or is currently fucking with his head....so he has this incredible need to fuck up other women. Vicious circle, that.

Personally, I like great sex with just one guy. Don't want the numbers...but it brings up another issue. How does a vagina get stretched by 200 men...but not 200 days of sex with one man? Help me, I am retarded...

Posted by: Kay at February 13, 2007 03:27 PM

excellent points, kay.

vaginal stretching is always a slippery subject, no pun intended.

i have been with women who have born children whose privates put my turkeyneck into a vice like cross-over toe hold. and my penis is sans toes.

Posted by: billdawes at February 13, 2007 05:19 PM

look at the picture in the ad below, "power, seducation and war"
is that you?

Posted by: bro at February 20, 2007 02:54 PM