No, really FUCK MICHAEL RICHARDS: The Definitive Analysis - November 23, 2006
Being an employee of the Laugh Factory in LA and NY and a client of Laugh Factory management, I think I have to put my two cents in about the latest debate over Michael Richards.
The first thing I think I need to do is answer the question everyone has been asking me: SO, is it true what everyone is saying about Michael Richards?
Is he rrrrrreally ....
a Freemason?
Apparently, he is a 33rd degree Master Mason, which is like the Bruce Lee/ Dungeonmaster of freemasonry.
What does this mean? It could be one of the following options:
1. The Freemasons are racists. Most of the original Freemasons were slave owners. True, there are black Freemasons now, but they have their own separate group and neither the white Masons nor the black Masons want anything to do with the other. They are anti-Mason mixing. Let's be honest, though. The black Freemasons are like arena league football. Sure, it's football, I guess. But it's no NFL.
I would do a project on this if I had colored construction paper and non-toxic Elmer's glue, but I don't ... so I'll rant instead. According to my 7th grade history book, when coming up with a name for their faggoty-ass club, it was between the Freemasons and the Dontfreeblacksons.
2. The Freemasons are idiots. Although movies like "The DaVinci Code" would like us to believe that there is a cabal of rich, white men puppeteering the nation and dictating everything that happens from some secret illuminati headquarters that ISN'T the White House (hmmm.... "white" house...), my gut feeling is that the Freemasons have small dicks and like to pee on each other in 18th-century copper bathtubs. I will guarantee that initiation into Freemasonry involves cock and balls in or around a male mouth.
3. The Freemasons are powerless and desperate for money. Possibly, these illuminati needed the back end from the "Seinfeld" DVDs. Why else would they let this cracked-out nigoraphobic into their clandestine lair? How low has the world of evil sects sunk when Kosmo Kramer is the highest ranking, highest profile member of their secret society?
4. The Freemasons are enlightened individuals who used Michael Richards' public persona to illuminate (hence "illuminati") the racism inherent and prevalent in American society today by instigating a worldwide debate on the essence of xenophobia and, more specifically, the words "nigger", "nigger", and "nigger." They are simply breaking a bone in order that it may heal better. 20 years from now, many of you Caucasians will be stroking a hot, chocolate-skinned zulu African woman, and silently thinking, "Gee... thanks Michael Richards! If it weren't for you --- uhhhh, I'm gonna cum!"
In all seriousness, there is no debate about this.
He shouldn't be playing at clubs. He should be spending his golden years in his retarded little club teabagging newbies in the grand tradition of white Freemason supremacy. He's a crappy comic, anyway, and only ever gets onstage by cashing in on his celebrity.
I've done shows with the guy. His manager asked me to put him on my College Night show at the Laugh Factory. He was nice to me when I met him with his 16 year-old girlfriend, and I'm sure he's a decent guy, but he needs to get OFF, not ON, the fucking horse, declare a moratorium on his bizarre stand-up career, get an act that produces LAUGHTER from audiences, and come back when he's ready. Which is never.
THE ONLY THING I will say in Mr. Richards defense is that at least he didn't pull the typical Republicunt bullshit and claim that it was "the booze."
"Yes, my dear parish, I've been taking cock up the ass for the past fifteen years because of the evil side effects of Apple-tinis!"
Or worse still, that fucking asshole Parson who said he was gay, but then said he wasn't rrrrreally gay. The ol' Clinton defense:
"My dear congregation, I'm not gay. I put it in my mouth... but I didn't suck it!"
What the fuck is he talking about?
It's true: Michael Richards has acted consistently counting-marbles-in-the-corner CRAZY during his defense, but at least he didn't blame the booze.
By the way, if this blog offended anyone, let it be known that I'm drunk on Red Bull and Vodka right now on the rostrum of a Rotary Club luncheon. I'll make amends when I have a movie to plug.
And furthermore, if you are one of those assholes DEFENDING Michael Richards right now, I can guarantee you are NOT a comic. If you're a comic, you're a shitty comic. If you're not a shitty comic, you have a small cock. If you're a great comic with a huge cock defending Michael Richards, you must be black -- which means you're only saying it to get the chubby white girls who hate their fathers.
p.s. If a Freemason reads this, I double dog dare you to kill me. You bitch!
Posted by Bill Dawes at 10:06 AM
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Comments
WHAT WOULD YOU DEFINE AS A "SMALL" COCK?
Posted by: PSYCHO BITCH at November 23, 2006 11:17 AM
Dude, that was great - your writing rolls off the page.
Posted by: Ironman at November 23, 2006 01:53 PM
this fucking rocks, mr. dawes. don't make me hunt you down and yank you out of whatever ho you're bangin friday night after your triumphant jamie kennedy opening salvo in pittsburgh to make you TELL THIS SHIT ON THE AIR (yeah, that's who "phenomenonymous" is, smart guy). You owe it to me for goddamn HANDING YOU THIS TOPIC -- though i admit you did a better job with it than i could have, and i fucking HATE to admit that kind of shit, so enjoy it, Masonbait. I must go now - my Lodge Brothers have prepared another young Puerto Rican boy for "playtime"...
Posted by: phenomenonymous at November 23, 2006 03:00 PM
All race issues aside, any comic that incapable of dealing with hecklers doesn't deserve to get booked anyway, especially if he's as unfunny as Michael Richards. Seriously, Kramer was only just barely funny in small doses, and I haven't seen a single piece of work from him since that's even slightly noteworthy. I mean jesus, the guy couldn't even come up with a decent offensive racist rant, he just screams nigger constantly. He could have at least said something like "Man, you'd think you were watching a horror movie or something"
Posted by: Dion at November 23, 2006 05:46 PM
He was fantastic in Problem Child, a box-office hit
Posted by: me at November 26, 2006 11:49 AM
Just because he screamed NIGGER doesn't make him a racist. I know that's hard to understand in your limited worldview. He was treated with disrespect in a way that deeply bothered him and he returned that disrespect in a way that would deeply bother the heckler. Professional? No. He should have taken the high road, but it's a tactic that everyone has used in their life, including you.
Posted by: Bob Roberts at November 26, 2006 06:01 PM
But how do you really feel about Black comics?
Posted by: Randy at November 26, 2006 11:56 PM
Hey... I don't think this should be such a big deal. Michael "grand Wiz"Richards made a huge mistake,.....He revealed his true colors. Now due to His "mistake" he will put his Sorry excuse of a career out to pasture. I mean c'mon his 15 minutes should have been up after he was in that shitty Weird Al Movie "UHF". Honestly He behaved the way pre-teens do when one upped by a peer. he cracked and screamed the one insult he could grasp......thus showing his ignorance, and his over all inability to come up with a funny insult (see: "Zinger).....all in all....Yes Bill I agree......... KRAMER SUCKS.......and how about some fee tickets to a show in New York?
Posted by: Brandon at November 27, 2006 12:54 AM
"Poo" is a funny word...
Posted by: Wayland at November 27, 2006 06:33 PM
Brandon, I WILL indeed give you fee tickets... tickets for a fee.
And Bob Roberts, refer to the comment I made about not being a comic and cock size if you got confused.
Posted by: billdawes at November 28, 2006 12:04 AM
and of course i say "nigger," but only in the privacy of my own car.
Posted by: billdawes at November 28, 2006 12:15 AM
I watched this clip and suddenly felt really bad for the poor schmuck. He exploded, yeah. And of course he's feeling the consequences...but he looks so pathetic giving this apology on Letterman. He looks like a miserable, pathetic old man.
It's depressing to see someone so beaten down, even if he IS a complete asshole.
Though, I think the only reason he feels so bad about blowing up on stage is that it affects his [disintegrating] career.
Soooo....who wants to take bets on how long it takes him to get really depressed and commit suicide because his career is in the shitter?
I'm going to hell.
Posted by: Michelle at November 28, 2006 01:05 AM
I will pretend that you would have given me free tickets..... if only I had't misspelled Free.... damn....that sucks
Posted by: Brandon at November 28, 2006 05:57 PM
Dude, you aren't going to hell for wondering that; every single person who saw that clip was like 'Damn, he's going to have to kill himself now'.
Seriously, there's no shame there.
Posted by: Justin at November 28, 2006 07:40 PM
Dammit...I meant for there to be a link in that comment. Though, anyone with an internet connection faster than 56K has probably seen it already. If not, here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2375817642169991654&q=michael+richards&hl=en
Posted by: Michelle at November 29, 2006 11:16 PM
"Soooo....who wants to take bets on how long it takes him to get really depressed and commit suicide because his career is in the shitter?
I'm going to hell."
You're not going to hell... you just ran out of the funny.
"...in or around a male mouth."
Now that shit is funny!!!
Posted by: wtf at December 1, 2006 02:10 PM
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