Plogs, a feud, and my bosses - December 17, 2006

For the people who asked me why I don't have any comedy clips on the web, there is some shit on it now.

There are 7 or 8 on the spankin' new Laugh Factory website.

I never think I'm funny except DURING my sets and even then only when I'm shit-splat drunk, but hopefully, one or two might make you giggle or smirk and think, "Not bad, but he's no Dane Cook."

For those of you who have given me shit for plugging shows or making announcements on this site, you can suck a freckled Mick dick (well, at least I tell the ladies "those are freckles!" shhhhhhhhhhhh!)

I have a few more stories coming up over the next week or two, so bare with the plug blogs -- the "plogs," if you will. They're about the Amish, the holidays, and an overgrown bitch of a comic named Bib Faget (not his real name).

I have very VALID EXCUSES involving my employers that might explain why I've mostly posted plogs the past few months instead of, ya know ... ACTUAL stories.

1. Tucker Max: He is a great writer and demands that my stories are also great. So, some of my stories are going through a "Pimp My Blog" - style refurbishment. I don't wanna throw up the ADD-riddled, drunken ramblings I used to post on Myspace. Well I do, but apparently the Rudius people have "standards."

2. Jamie Masada: The owner of the Laugh Factory has been booking me on spots almost every day of the week in New York and Los Angeles. I guess he likes me, despite my feud with the comic Bib Faget.

3. Jamie Kennedy: The actor/comic/rapper/writer put me on his tour about 7 months ago. I guess I could write on the road, but I don't own a laptop because I'm blowing-cocks-in-an-alley broke. Soylent Green was going to try to hook me up with a cheap computer, but I think Dell just looked at my credit card and laughed. I thought CapitalOne was supposed to be "No Hassles?"

I also just found out that, in about 2 months, I'll be going to Baghdad with Jamie as part of the USO tour. Coincidentally, I had some soldiers in the club last night and I was trying to be supportive to a Navy guy about to go over there, so I said, "You're a brave guy, dying for your country." His eyes shot wide open in terror. I tried to cover by saying, "I'm not saying you're going to die!.... you might just lose a leg. But let's be honest: one or the other." Mental note: quit drinking before sets.

As a caveat to that, one of the bouncers at the Brea Comedy Club in Cali was a Marine. He told me and Jamie that one time his recon squad was approaching a hostile town and were deliberating about whether to turn left or right to proceed into the city. His commanding officer flipped a quarter and asked the sergeant, "Heads of tizails?", which was a quote out of Jamie's movie, "Malibu's Most Wanted." The Marine then told me and Jamie the following: "the sergeant called 'tizails,' we went left, and ended up wiping out the entire village! Up top!" The Marine then shot his hand up to Jamie for a high five.

I'm not saying stories about killing a village of brown people are funny, I'm just saying it's a true story.

Thanks for all the support. Stay tuned and have a Merry Christmas! Be charitable and tell a person of negro descent to have a Happy Kwanzaa in order to prevent racism and foster good will. I would recommend joyfully shouting it at them (from the safety of your car, of course).

Love, peace, and chicken grease!

Your friend in the Lord,

Bill

Posted by Bill Dawes at 4:57 PM

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Comments

Can you post some links to your stuff on laughfactory.com, I can't find them anywhere on there! It's probably just me, but anydrink, it would be nice.

Posted by: Elizabeth Who? at December 17, 2006 08:45 PM

LOL - Tucker Max is a great writer, I am GLAD he holds you to some sort of standard :).
We miss your blogs!!! Sounds like you've got a lot going on, though.
I went to h.s. with a guy that used to write for Jamie Kennedy - if the two are anything alike, your trip will be, well, a trip.
Good luck :).

Posted by: KandyS8o at December 18, 2006 12:48 AM

first!

Posted by: andy at December 19, 2006 06:58 AM

hey, andy, you were my first "first" on this site.

let's hope it's the last "first."

Posted by: billdawes at December 19, 2006 01:58 PM

I wouldn't worry about that Navy guy.... worst case scenario is a Sea Gull might shit in his eye...... Hard to get shot at, 50 miles from the nearest Jihad Head.

Posted by: Brandon at December 19, 2006 04:13 PM

so... Jamie Kennedy is the new Bob Hope, and what are you? Charo? i realise that there are some ladies in the military now, but it's still mostly dudes, and i'm thinkin that your pasty irish ass is not high on their to-see list at the moment. But it's a fine and noble thing to try, both o youse. good work, sir. THIS will be the year for you, Dawes, i know it.

Posted by: phenomenonymous at January 4, 2007 06:23 PM