Sex and Stretch! - August 29, 2006

well, if that ain't a bitch. first your lifelong joy broke. and then your woman pretty much broke. you should of just thrown her in with the stretch armstrong and hoped to god one day when your lonely. shed jump out with those tiger choneys and want to bed wrestle.

Seriously, the tiger bit almost threw me off my chair. Jesus.

I once tried to spice things up and pretend that I was a stripper doing some drunken Shakira like performance but then I fell over because I had too many J&C's to see straight and well, the fantasy was kinda gone after that. *Sigh*

OMG! That was hysterical.

My brother had one of those Stretch Armstrong toys. I used to try to see if I could stretch it around his neck.

I lost it at "hinge mechanism".

PS - Watching you do the tiger "Rawr!" in your stand up may be more priceless than this full story.

I can't count the times I've lolled on my (nauga hided) sofa flipping through the channels and bleeding through my Speedos. Wait, sorry, I was channeling Shirly McLaine for a second.
Is there anything worse than a childhood toy failing to measure up to expectation? Other than your SO excreting yesterday's dinner in front of you, that is.

I think not. A child stacks up ideas and dreams about what that toy can do and WILL do once it falls into his or her deserving hands. By God, I once had my action figure astronaut's course to the Moon already plotted only to find out he "flew" by means of a spooled cord in his jet backpack. I didn't even do the math, I knew there wasn't enough cord to stretch between Texas and the Moon. Hell, if they couldn't get Apollo XIII an extension cord, what chance had I?

Anymerkin, sorry to hear about your time living with the wet blanket. It's good to see you've not only escaped, but thrived (copyright Kaiser Permanente).

Bill... you left me and came here!!! I'm so proud of you. I have to be honest though for the first couple paragraphs I thought you lost your nuts but then I saw the "anyanus" and I knew i was home!!!!

"if there were a sound effect to describe our romance, it would have been the sound of Pacman dying."

I think that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Keep up the great work, you are a real gem of a writer.

I do a pretty good tiger "Rawr," don't I?

All WebMD had to say on the subject was that women... ok you didn't seriously think I went there did you?

if there were a sound effect to describe our romance, it would have been the sound of Pacman dying.

My favorite part!

My brother and I used to hold wrestling matches between his Stretch Armstrong and my Stretch Monster. Yes, I had the badass Stretch Monster that resembled the Kraken from Clash of the Titans. Which, incidently, I saw in the theater when it first came out. Three times in a row.

The wrestling matches came to a halt after I tried stretching the arms to ridiculous lengths by stepping on it's chest and tugging as hard as I could. While outside on our gravel driveway. Stretch Monster looked like he took two barrels of buckshot at three paces. He bled clear goop through the Snoopy band-aids I tried to patch him up with. My brother laughed at me so I cut off Stretch Armstrong's left arm with a pair of garden shears. Patch that motherfucker.

Two clicks my ass cabron.

Anyhow, fuck stretch Armstrong. He got an M-80 jammed inside him.

Ah, Bill.

Wait until you get married. That is, of course, if you can manage to apoligise long enough to decide she'll accept your apologies forever.

My wife hates sarcasm now, and seven years ago, when we were starting, I was fucking hilarious.

Now, crickets. And a sound I can't quite hear, but still raises what's left of my hackles. I'd like to think that as a comedian, you're not familiar with the phenomenon, but I know better.

What I want to know is, how do guys have the uncanny ability to not smell their own shit and farts? Also, how do guys seem to be able to fart at will? The vietnam vet comment did make me laugh however. Are they paying you to write this shit?

OMFG I never knew......I will never pee or poo infront of my man again but alas...what do you do if he is the one always comming in there?? anywho....I was on the floor laughing at this bill you are too much!

What do you mean you don't pee in front of your man, Sherry? That's impossible, if you ask me...

I am all for closeness, but that is just one thing people might be best off keeping to themselves...

If you don't want to be thinking about that...aroma....during foreplay anyway. That might kill the mood a little.

(As in disembowel it and shove it under your grandmother's dog)

Anyway, entertaining story as always, keep up the good work!

Fucking AWESOME ending. Loved it. I can't decide which is my favorite line, but it's definitely between:
"However, I do know this: I have never been taking a pee and suddenly thought, Let me just turn around right quick and UNLOAD in this here urinal."

-and-

"All I could think was...Uh, who wants to fuck a tiger?"

Anyanus??? I agree with JD, that's a good one.

I think the opposite happened with me and my ex.....I got so sick of seeing a full grown man SIT on the potty and pee and poo, I wanted to smack him when he was helplessing sitting there doing it with the door open. I didn't, but Ew...that's just gross. He did both, SITTING!!!

Anyway...or Anyanus......I didn't have any bothers. I had/have two sisters.....I didn't know stretch Armstrong ripped and bled. Ewwwwwwww. You poor baby. I have two daughters... I never had to deal with that kind of catastrphe. I've had fluffy stuffing poking out of stuffed animals....but NurseMommy could always perform a lifesaving surgical procedure and stuff the stuffing back in and sew things up... good as new. I even managed to sew a Barbie head back on without too much trouble, after her neckbreaking dive from the balcony with her disfucntional fairy wings in place. Whatever......

Maybe the fact that you had brothers and no sister is why you have problems with women and their bodily fluid excreting functions....ORRRRR, perhaps the women you chose was a ......well....kind of a slobina.

A slobina is what my mom would call me and MOSTLY my sloppy sisters.....when we were sloppy in the bathroom. We were taught at a very early age to shut the door and HIDE THINGS out of sight in case we had company ......AND.....so our poor gagreflex prone father could manage to survive living in a house full of women.

As for the tiger/trainer role playing...LMAO.. I can't even imagine doing something that weird to a guy.

I think you might be one of those men who would be happiest with an older woman.......so.......

;)

Oh.....maybe that was Lynn who laughed at "anyanus"....the commenters name is on the bottom?? lol.

We'll figure it out. Anyanus....That was funny.

about that bleeding stretch. my memory is a little dim here. i thought maybe it happened to me, but perhaps in some version of a freudian reaction-formation i actually only remember it that way to assuage my guilt and i did it to you. anyway, one of us definitely knifed somebody else's stretch one night after we had a fight and left him bleeding in the basement.

My stretch arm strond leaked green gooze weird?

As a contortionist I was quite excited about the title of this blog ... luckily it was still really funny. Kudos.

I think Febreze just released the New Woman Smell in an aerosol.

I snorted no fewer than 5 times while reading this. Thanks....I think.

I was in a serious car accident with my boyfriend about a month ago. Well, serious for me: my car was totaled and I had to have emergency surgery. He got a scrape on his elbow. So I was in the hospital for nine days, which was just great fun. It was also a teaching hospital and I had tears in my intestine.

What that amounts to is tubes in my stomach that drained my stomach acid into a little clear container for easy viewing - it's a nice bilious green color. Not only that, but twice the night nurses didn't connect the tube properly to the wall and we woke up to see me LYING in a POOL of my OWN STOMACH ACID. Not only THAT, but after they took me off the IV and put me back on solid foods, they warned me that my... functions would be unreliable for a few days, and they were. I'm sure I don't need to paint you a picture.

Surprise ending - instead of breaking up with me, he proposed two days later. So that's all happy and all my friends were like "aww, that's so romantic," etc. But I can't help but be worried. He has always seemed normal, but I feel that a normal guy's response would be more like yours. I'm hoping I don't have to deal with any golden shower fetishes... or worse... in the future. Or that he is not clinically insane.

that's really sweet. you should marry him. he seems like the perfect guy to spend the rest of the next 4-7 years with.

That was hilarious.
I had a Barbie and a Sindy when I was little, but they just had sex following my radical cut-and-dye job on Barbie's hair. Then my brother got an action man; you pulled the string out the back and it would say things like "I'm going in"... (sounds like the perfect toy for you, Bill).
As to the pee/poo conundrum; peeing is acceptable. ANYthing else, NOoooo.

Haha, "Uhh..who wants to fuck a tiger?"

I smell a BillDawes.net t-shirt.

Funny stuff.

That was so relentlessly funny I think I may have ruptured something.

After (sorta) stalking you on Myspace, I've come here, and unsuprisingly, laughed like a black hyhena or something. Good job.

OK, I followed you here and I'm leaving a comment. If I get a bunch of spam I'm gonna be pissed.
That said, cool story, and Rawr.

Tiger outfit = no go. Got it. So is the My Little Pony costume a yea or nay?

That was pretty bad. It read like a bad stand up routine.

Oh and I suppose you sell like roses???????????
There's a reason for his and her bathrooms my friend.

***** Declared jihad, did you??? ...lol

Oh Jamille you comment like a hata.

I feel ya brotha! My kung fu grip G.I. Joe killed my pet goldfish Tricky Dick!

I could never understand how someone could get that comfortable in a relationship...My fiance and I have been living together for 2 1/2 years...We have seen each other pee probably a total of ten times...Not once have we seen each other pooping...I have never even smelled it...We have kind of an unwritten/unspoken policy when it comes to BMs...If u do have to do it then shower afterwards...It doesnt leave a lingering poop smell and ur ass will be completely clean...You dont want skid marks...

You know, Bill, leading up to the launch of this site, you were wildly enthusiastic about having an editor and spoke very highly of the editorial abilities of the folks at Rudius. I guess someone up there didn't pass fifth grade English, however. You don't end on interjection with a semi-colon.

In related news, I am a pedantic jackass who misspells words in the middle of sentences I write excoriating the technical editing abilities of others.

In a similarly related story, I am a lonely, lonely virgin.

Wow, ES. I've never been more turned on in my life. Can I put my finger in your butt?

Our Stretch Armstrong leaked a thick sticky green goo!

I almost passed over this site-- Glad I didn't. That was disturbingly funny.

Your hilarious and a very talented writer, I've read both your blogs and was very entertained. Can't wait for the next one. keep it up

The fact that each of these major disappointments have to do with the leaking of internal goo is not lost on me, Bill. You seem preoccupied with fluids, man. Get a grip.

Kidding, kidding. You are always hilarious and wise, incidentally. I attribute the fact that my beau and I are working on our eighth year together to the fact that we have never once seen each other pee OR poop. Only vomiting, belching and the occasional fart (with the accompaniment of embarrassed chuckling) are permitted.

So I took off my belt, snapped it in the air like a ringmaster, and said, "Well, you better quit stinking up the bathroom, tiger... or I'm going to fuck you?"

I love you.

You were supposed to say, "You're a bad little pussy, aren't you? But you want to be tamed, huh?All bad little pussies want to be tamed."

At least, um, that's what I heard you're supposed to say.

One of my favorites. Even better when acted out in person.

Keep 'em comin, Bill. :)

I choked on a pretzel when I read the tiger part.

I choked on a pretzel.